Hello everyone!
It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted on here. Sorry for the lack of an update!
My cohort and I returned to the US at the very beginning of May, so I spent a couple weeks in Spokane as we wrapped up classwork/debriefing on Whitworth’s campus, and then I spent a little over a week at home in Boulder. My time in Spokane was so FUN! I feel like I spent most of those two weeks laughing and being silly with my community, especially my housemates. It was a sweet time of celebration and processing, and a lot of joy! I’m so thankful for the community that the Lord has built up around me in Spokane – from friends, to professors, to pastors. What a village. One of my dear friends Malia (from the World Race) came and visited me during my time in Boulder too, something I am so thankful for. Thankful for the people I met through my time with the World Race. :')
And now… I’m getting ready to head to Nicaragua on Thursday with my friend Grace! I know it’s coming, but it still doesn’t feel real yet.
Here are a few things that I’m wanting to share as I end one season, and begin another:
Coming back from CASP has been interesting to say the least. This semester was challenging and growing in ways that I never expected. Something that I have been thinking about recently is how before I left in January, I kept praying that God would deconstruct my faith in the ways that it needed to be. The last couple of months, I have really struggled in my walk with the Lord. It’s so strange, because I’ve felt so far from God, yet I have also felt closer to the people of God (and therefore the heart of God) than I ever have before. I just have questions upon questions, wrestling with so much. I have less answers than when I started, and on my better days, I am mostly content to know that there will always be tensions we have to sit in. On the harder days, I’m frustrated that the closer I seem to draw to God and the more I learn about God’s character, the more questions I have and the more I seem to realize that there’s so much more to know of God. Maybe that’s part of the mystery of seeking to know the Creator of the Universe.
A story that I kept coming back to the last couple of months during my time in Central America is the story of Jacob wrestling with God. What strikes me about this story is that Jacob walks away from this wrestling with 3 things… blessing, a new name, and a limp. Quite honestly, I feel like I’m walking away from this season with a limp. My heart feels really raw and so many things about Christianity feel painful. I can’t always pinpoint why, sometimes there’s a specific memory that comes to mind and sometimes there’s not. I’m trying to give myself the space to explore why these things feel painful and to not just shove these feelings down, settling for the easy Christian answers that maybe I always have settled for. Maybe this is part of God’s answer to my prayer to deconstruct what needed to be deconstructed in my faith. I’m thankful for these last four months – I wouldn’t change it, but it’s hard. It’s really uncomfortable.
In trying to understand more of this story, I came across this resource which has given me some encouragement. It says this, "Jacob does what we all must do. He confronts his failures, his weaknesses, his sins, all the things that are hurting him . . . and faces God. Jacob wrestled with God all night. It was an exhausting struggle that left him crippled. It was only after he came to grips with God and ceased his struggling, realizing that he could not go on without Him, that he received God’s blessing (Genesis 32:29).
What we learn from this remarkable incident in the life of Jacob is that our lives are never meant to be easy. This is especially true when we take it upon ourselves to wrestle with God and His will for our lives. We also learn that as Christians, despite our trials and tribulations, our strivings in this life are never devoid of God’s presence, and His blessing inevitably follows the struggle, which can sometimes be messy and chaotic. Real growth experiences always involve struggle and pain." https://www.gotquestions.org/Jacob-wrestling-with-God.html
It’s hard to come out of a season feeling like I’m walking with a limp just to know I’m heading right back into another season that will hold many things too. It’s easy for me to put this pressure on myself to “have it together” and to hide the limp, especially since I’m working at a ministry this summer. I’m trying to remind myself that in no way does God want me to put this pressure on myself. God’s invitation is to come as we are. That is an unchanging invitation. And that’s all I can do right now. I can only go to Nicaragua as I am, and so I have to continue to fight to be honest with myself and the people around me. There are days when it feels easier to choose to follow anyone or anything else but Jesus. My flesh wants that. But Jesus in His faithfulness keeps reminding me of who He is, and I’ve seen enough of who Jesus is over the last 4 years of my life that I can’t walk away. Following Jesus is costing me everything and is quite possibly costing me more now than when I first made the decision to really follow Him almost 4 years ago. But somehow, even in my weariness and confusion and hurt and religion, I still feel drawn to seek and find Jesus.
My prayer is that out of this wrestling, I would trust that the limp that I’m leaving the last season with has purpose, and that I wouldn’t try to hide it. I pray that I would be brave enough to share with people the ways that I feel like I’m limping along, and that out of honestly sharing, I would see blessing. God’s Kingdom is about what is real. I feel like there is inherent blessing in being real and honest. I also pray that I would leave this season of wrestling with a new name – or maybe this means a more solidified identity. I’m grateful to CASP and the people that I met because they taught me how to be more human. I learned to accept my humanness more, and because of that, I feel like I more fully get to be me. My hope and prayer for this next season is that I more fully grow into who God has and is creating me to be.
Thank you for being here and for reading along. Writing has been so helpful, healing, and encouraging to me over the last 4 years of my life. It’s such a gift and honor to be able to share with people who love and care about me too. I’m processing a lot, trying to put everything to words as I’m ready. It means so much to have you along on the journey with me! There are stories I want to tell and things I want to share about the places and people that have marked my life over the last couple of months, and I hope that these stories will unfold in the right timing this summer.
Grateful to a God who is never far, even when I’m not exactly sure where He is. Thankful for a cloud of witnesses who faithfully follow Jesus, with realness that is so refreshing. Rejoicing that I have such a strong community surrounding me, receiving me with open arms as I closed one season and returned to the US and who is also sending me with encouragement and support as I get ready to head to Nicaragua. Always thankful for the journey and road that the Lord has me on, wrestling and all.
Faith is becoming more real to me. Jesus is becoming more real to me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Pray that I will have the courage to keep counting the cost. In all of my questions and doubts, somehow, I still know that Jesus is enough and will always be enough.
En la paz de Cristo,
Elena
Comments